• 3 cups all-purpose writer
• 2¾ cups coffee survivalist
• 2½ cups dry wit & sarcasm
• 2 cups interior design enthusiast
• 1½ cups DIY’er
• 3½ tablespoons jewelry designer
• 2 tablespoons number cruncher
• 1 teaspoon taco and pizza connoisseur
• 3 kids
• 2 pets

Preheat oven until the kitchen is ablaze.

In a large (proverbial) bowl, mix in part writer, part coffee survivalist, and part dry wit & sarcasm until it reaches the optimal consistency of asshole. Add remaining ingredients, shake vigorously, and see what happens. Once complete, decorate with 3 children, and equal parts dog and cat, until your brow is properly furrowed, you’re wondering how TF you got here, and why the hell that surface is wet.

Adequately season with profanity. Add booze to taste.